- Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro… I'm... Broda!
- You can do this! but, to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!
- It's gonna be legen….. wait for it….. I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!!!
- In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story.
- God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.
- Here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.
- Come with me if you want to bang
- I’m sorry… I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
- The point is, marriage is stupid. Every day new 22-year olds go into bars, and call me glass-half-full, but I think they’re getting dumber
- If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus... It's you!
- Whoa baby you're packing snow balls and you breathe smells like a mermaid's fart
- I admire your loyalty. You've had that hairstyle forever. You don't care that it's out of style or that it's been co-opted by the lesbian community. You stick with it.
- Don’t say you’re gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool
- The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She’ll never find her way back and there she is!
- There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated. Breast Implants
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
- found one of those God Particles in a box of cereal last year. Man, I wish I kept it!
- is glad mankind has found the God Particle, so we can continue our epic search for Waldo!
- "Are You There God Particle? It's Me, Joe Average That Doesn't Understand You!"
- CNN "That's all the time we have for the God Particle, right now let's meet your new hot dog eating champion!"
- predicts that at the end of the God Particle announcement, one of the CERN researchers will pause nonchalantly, and say... "oh, one more thing...", then calmly teleport away...
- Physicists at CERN announced they found the Higgs Boson “God particle,” but are bringing in Tebow for some tests.
- 10 minutes after discovery of God Particle, Chinese knock-off found for $5
- Gee Great. How long before IKEA comes up with new furniture made with real God Particle Board.
- says that yo mama's so fat that SHE gives the God Particle mass! (Assuming validity of the Standard Model and Gauge Theory of course)
- Higgs Boson discovered... Katy Perry's 3D movie opens... Coincidence?
Sunday, June 10, 2012
- is going to buy a parrot and then teach it to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot!"
- is going to change his name to Simon and then go around speaking in third person.
- is driving around town, following runners, and blasting "Eye Of The Tiger" for encouragement!
- put some vanilla pudding in to a mayonnaise jar and is eating it in public
- is handing out lemons to people on a street corner and wearing a shirt that says "Life"
- is going to major in philosophy and then go around and ask "WHY do you want fries with that?"
- just ran into a store screaming "What year is this?" and when the cashier replied with the year, I ran out screaming, "It Worked! It Worked!!!"
- is changing my last name to Acula, and going to become a doctor...
- just hired two private investigators to follow each other
- is standing in a crowded elevator saying, "I guess you are probably wondering why I've gathered you all here today..."
Labels: To Do
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
- knows it's hot when your farts ignite!
- knows it's hot when Pamela Anderson's boobs are melting!
- knows it's hot when fat guys are making their own gravy!
- thinks it's hotter than a pair of sweat pants full of barbecue!
- knows it's hot when Dick Cheney is waterboarding himself!
- hopes you brought the champagne because today is gonna be TOASTY!
- knows it's hot when when the geese in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy."
- knows it's hot when pigs complain about sweating like fat humans.
- needs a spatula to remove her clothing. ;)
- 's earwax is melting, it's so hot!
- knows it's hot when Domino's Pizza is almost at room temperature when it arrives
- knows it's hot when the air has a shadow.
- knows it's hot when ABC announces a new show called ‘America’s Got Heat Stroke’
- thinks it's hot when the women in this town are ovulating hardboiled eggs!
- knows it's hot when Jehovah's Witnesses started telemarketing!!
- knows it's hot when squirrels are leaving their nuts uncovered.
- is sweating like the last piece of chicken at a Brown's family reunion it's so damn hot!
- knows it's hot when Barry Bonds is injecting Slurpees in his ass
- will finally know what Joan Rivers' face really looks like it melts because it's so hot.
- is inside writing status updates on FaceBook because it's too damn hot!